the-practice-of-generosity giftOne of the problems with the idea of a gift is that it typically sets in motion an economy of exchange that, unintended by the giver and receiver, can set up a sense of inequality and debit that is not easily overcome. We’ve all been in this social situation before: someone at work gives you a holiday present, unexpectedly, with the sincerest desire to be kind and nice. Yet, you feel indebted, even embarrassed perhaps, for not having something ready at hand to give in return. This exchange sets up an imbalance that denies the possibility of a true gift, for a true gift is freely given and received without there being established such pressure for reciprocation, without there arising a sense of self-gratification or embarrassment, without the possibility of something ever given in return.

The French philosopher Jacques Derrida was, along with many other topics, deeply concerned about the possibility of a true gift. He believed that for something to truly be a gift it must not appear as such and can only be ‘given’ outside of the confines of the economy of exchange that elicits a response in return that, in effect, ‘annuls’ the gift’s debt. What he means by this is that even if the only response a recipient can offer is a polite “Thank you,” the inherent elicitation of that response arises from without due to the imposition of the ‘gift’ or gesture of another.

This is indeed paradoxical. What does it mean have a genuine gift? Can one escape the ostensible aporia of the dynamics of giving and taking?

St. Francis had an intuitive sense of the impossibility of the gift and the dynamics of relationship that it implies. In his Admonition XXVI, Francis writes:

Blessed is the servant who loves his brother as much when he is sick and cannot repay him as when he is well and can repay him.

What an odd, little aphorism for a thirteenth-century mendicant to share with his brothers. Love, something Derrida also had philosophical concerns about in a way not unlike the possibility of a genuine gift, is tied up in Francis’s admonition within the same economy as Derrida’s gift.

True love, as the later heading for this admonition will term it, seems to move beyond the ordinary dynamics of what is seen and experienced. It exists only in the absence of the possibility of return. Contrary to the “Prayer attributed to St. Francis,” the true gift of love does not take place such that, “it is in giving that we receive.” No. It is, for Francis, only possible to “give” true love when it is impossible to receive in return.

This is a call to love as Jesus Christ did: an exercise of agape, self-giving, disinterested love.

Francis echoes this sensibility in the next admonition, when he writes:

Blessed is the servant who loves and respects his brother as much when he is far away from him as when he is with him, and who would not say anything behind his back that he would not say with charity in his presence.

It is the absence that marks the difference in this sense of the gift of love. When there is no possibility of return because the other is not present, when one has no obvious way to give the gift of kindness, of charity, of compliment — this is when impossible gift of love is possibly given.

Too often people think of the way of Christ’s love as “giving one’s self totally” in terms of what one does in an observable way for another. But what is the true gift? Can we give it? Can we love without the slightest possibility of return? Can we give without acknowledgement or acceptance? Can we give without the gift ever being received?

Derrida says that the possibility of such a gift is inextricably tied up with its very impossibility, but the longing for the genuine gift — as well as genuine love, forgiveness, mourning, and so on — is nevertheless essential. Perhaps this is the meaning of Christian discipleship in action, the striving toward the Reign of God in our actions, longing to love as Christ has and as Francis admonished.

Photo: Stock


  1. This is beautiful and a wonderful message. I was given a gift last night without having one in return, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Thank you so much, but you didn’t have to do that!” The “but” negated the thank you. Free acceptance of gift is also self-empty-ing. Thanks for the reminder! Kris Rooney at St. Kateri Parish

  2. Wonderful! I think we need to reflect on the gift and continually be grateful for the gift of life we have been given. And what does that have to do with our gifting others in our life. Deacon Bill Coffey

  3. I really enjoy reading your posts and often find them moving, touching, and just provocative enough to get conversations started. The message today is no different.

    There seem to still be a few open questions, though: to what degree did the Apostles expect a “return” on their witness of martyrdom, that is, fullness of life in the presence of Christ? How does the promised gift of the Spirit indeed depend on one’s willingness to receive this grace exactly as a gift, and not something earned? As far as stewardship goes, in what ways does the parable of the talents imply that we are called to enter into that divine economy of salvation, and to do so with a joyful gratitude for the opportunity to make a return on what we have been given?

    This week’s Gospel readings from Jesus’ Last Supper discourse encourage me to hope that such exchanges are part of Trinitarian love itself (especially John 17:22-24). What do you think?

  4. Very thoughtful, helpful posting, Fr. Dan. Thank you.
    I zeroed in especially on the third-to-last paragraph, “It is the absence that marks the difference….When there is no possibilitty of return…” (Beautiful)

    And on the second to last paragraph, “Too often people think…”
    (The posed questions are unique; I have never seen or thought of Christ’s love in that way. The questions are wonderful, specific ones, perfect for contemplation.)

    The St. Francis quotes that you use here to help make your points reflect the beauty and the uiniqueness of Franciscan spirituality.
    These particular Francis quotes are plainly said in easy-to-understand language to which most people can readily relate.
    All the more reason why Francis’ teachings and his lived example are so popular in our spiritually-hungry world.

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